For once again it had brought to maturity a wonderful crop of about a dozen large, round and golden lemons. Beautiful things, like the golden apples of ancient myth. They were huge, bowing the sad twiggy branches of the tree. To look at them you'd think they were vampire fruits*, sucking their life force from the tree that grew them.
"Righto," I said to myself, "I'd better pick up some almond meal at lunchtime, it's curd making time". So I did, I bought some almond meal and gave the lemons a pat goodnight on our return home.
And the, this morning, as Mr Brown dressed and gazed out the window, he asked, "did you pick the lemons last night?"
"No."
"Well, some fucker has."
He rushed out to check and his cry of "miserable fuckers" rang through the street, the street full of market goers. Yes indeed, some miserable fucking middle-class, market-attending, fuckstump had picked all but 2 of our lemons.
They left 2, the 2 with still a little green about them. Mr Brown tenderly brought them inside. They lie with some ripe tomatoes in a pretty fruit basket my mum gave us recently.Who the fuck steals lemons? LEMONS? From someone's front garden??
If it was pomegranates or dragon fruit or something exotic and terribly expensive I'd understand, but lemons? You could pick up a bag of them for a couple of bucks at the bloody markets you thieving fuckers!
I am filled with rage, righteous anger, I'm seething with it. If I ever find out who did it they are going to be very, very sorry indeed. I won't of course, but I'm fantasising about it as I type.
* Full confession, once not so very long ago, I attempted to en-vampireate a watermelon, I longed to hear one growl. No dice I'm afraid, dud watermelon I guess.
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11 comments:
Maybe the reason they are so inexpensive in the market is that they are all purloined from private gardens? I'd put a sign on the lawn as they begin to ripen saying, "No unauthorized picking, please!"
I repeat what I Tweeted you last evening:
That is absolutely shocking, miserable & outrageous!!! It's theft & an egregious violation!
What sort of person stands in a stranger's front garden and picks lemons off a tree???
I could begin to comprehend it if they had nipped a cabbage and a couple of potatoes to take home to feed their family. But lemons???
After burglary, theft or vandalism one feels so impotent.
I deplore theft of any homegrown food. Even if the tree is overburdened and sadly neglected, you MUST ask the owner.
I am so sorry.
Can't believe someone did that.
Pinching one, maybe, pinching the whole lot - so exceedingly rude and unreasonable.
Thanks everyone for sharing my rage, Mr Next Door & Mr Brown have decided moving the tree into the backyard will be the go, as I was threatening to poison the lemons next year!
Uli, perhaps it was a bunch of people taking 'just one'.
I read somewhere that you should plant citrus "Where the cat sleeps" - that would almost surely be the sunniest spot in the garden.
I acknowledge your anger, but we are so going to have to meet up when we are in Sydney, just so I can prove to my dear sweet mother that there is someone who can out-swear me ;o)
I once let forth in our garden on a 10 minute tirade at the non-working bbq, citing the makers lack of parents, how it could be shoved in a tiny orifice sideways etc etc, only to turn around to find my mother perched on a chair on the lawn with a mouth pursed like a cats arse, and my brother and sister holding onto each other in helpless silent laughter.
So you'll have to forgive my laughter xx
Zoomie, well, we are thinking of popping it rather near Small's planting spot!
Roo You're bringing your mum? No way would I swear when there's a proper mum about, o noonono!
And if you do come all the way to Sydney and don't give me 10 minutes of your time I'll, I'll, well I'll something, for sure!
Be sure if I am in Sydney, we will meet up! be afraid... ;o)
Roo I quake in my boots (velvet shoes actually, but you get the picture!)
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