FFS ...

... one of the ever-increasing list of reasons we don't have children, is that they would probably be taken away from us, by well-meaning authorities, for all the poor-parenting choices we'd make.
We would smack, not abuse, whip, beat black and blue, but we would smack.
We would read them Where the Wild Things Are and Roald Dahl's The Fantastic Mr Fox and all the others besides.
We would take them to see the new Where the Wild Things Are movie. And a whole bunch of other nightmare-inducing stuff - Bambi, Old Yella, that Red Fern movie, The Wizard of Oz, all of them (they all gave me nightmares and made me cry)
We would feed them peanut butter, things from the yellow food group, strawberries, tuna and everything else you're not supposed to.
We would make them walk to school, or ride their bikes, or catch a bus.
We would probably make them latch-key children.
We would not "educate" them incessantly in loud middle-class voices.
We would keep the cats.
We would let them eat dirt and would not use antibacterial anything.
We would make them go to bed early, so we could have some alone, grown-up time.
We would dress them inappropriately for our own entertainment, and if they were girls would not purchase mini bras, midriff tops or anysuchstuff. Plain cotton knickers all round, possibly with a kitten or butterfly on the front.
We would call it Mucus, or Ianthe, for laughs.